Before I Wake (2016)

Before I I Wake seemed like a really cool concept. I scrolled past it on Netflix and watched the trailer and it just seemed really interesting. A couple decides to adopt a young boy after the loss of their own son. Come to find out said orphan has a very unique gift. You see, when he sleeps his dreams manifest themselves into reality. Of course, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. Seriously though, this kid really has an unhealthy obsession with butterflies.

So, I watched it. I hate this movie. It was God awful. If I found a magic lamp and a Genie popped out and granted me three wishes I would use all three of them to go back to a time where I never saw this garbage can fire of a film. I know what you’re thinking. Come on it can’t be THAT bad. Shut up. You’re wrong. It was. What was wrong with it, you ask? Where do I even start?

*Inhales*

The story itself, the characters, the dialogue, the ham-fisted imagery, the crappy CGI, the SHEER AMOUNT of suspension of disbelief it took to slog through it, the horribly disappointing ending… Just to name a few things.

*Exhales*

I could honestly go on and on. In fact, I will. Because this is MY blog and I do what I want.

This movie is everything I hate about modern horror movies. The few jump scare moments are easily telegraphed and not at all rewarding. Everything is TELL instead of SHOW. There is no ambiguity. There’s no thinking involved. Clearly the writers and director think we, the audience, are complete idiots, and furthermore… Wait… Who directed this?

Son of a… Damn it, Mike Flanagan. I’m so beyond done with this dude. How does he keep getting work? This is yet another neat concept that he just butchers. It’s like polishing a turd, but the opposite. This is the third movie I’ve watched with him attached to it and I’m done. I just went through all the other new movies on my list to make sure I didn’t accidentally watch another of his films. Oddly enough I found one. Occulus was on my list. Not anymore! I yeeted that into the realm of Never Gonna Watch It. Not taking the chance.

Now, let’s talk about the performances. They were wonderful. Ha! You thought I was gonna be negative. Way to be assumptive. Even though I don’t like Kate Bosworth (I dunno something about her just irks me) and I liked her character Jessie even less, her performance was solid. Thomas Jane as Mark nailed his character. He perfectly captured the inner struggle and grief his character was going through even though he didn’t talk about it. Jacob Tremblay also gave a great performance as Cody the Haunted Orphan.

But the characters themselves were terribly written. No one acts like this. Their responses are not responses real people would have to these situations.

*And now we’re taking a trip to SPOILER town*

I have a few questions that need to be addressed, but first lets talk about the film’s baddie, The Kanker Man. He was terrible in every way. He looks like Freddy Krueger had an illegitimate love child with one of the aliens from South Park. And also, that child was abandoned in the wild and was raised by a family of Praying Mantises. Just look at him.

That’s just simple math.

Now, for those questions:
1. So when Mark “goes missing” we just take the child away, dont look into his disappearance, AND treat Jessie like shit even though we think she might be a victim of spousal abuse?
2. How and why did their 6 year old drown in a bath tub? Like, what?
3. Why were they freaking out that Jessie gave Cody a sleeping pill when it was prescribed by his doctor?
4. So Jessie’s just allowed to go through all kinds of backlogged personal files and somehow the Orphanage is unlocked after hours and she can come and go as she pleases?

*We are now exiting SPOILER territory*

I also really don’t consider this to even be a horror movie. It’s more of a dark fantasy kind of deal, but still. I felt the same way about Mama and that was still a great movie.

Please. Don’t watch this. It’s not even laughably bad. It’s just bad. The ending if nothing else makes this movie horrible. It’s so cliche disappointing. It was such a predictable cop out. It felt like a genuine insult to my intelligence. Go watch literally anything else. In fact, have you seen Mama? If not, go watch that. That’s a much better representation of this sub genre of horror film.

I’m gonna go drink wine until the memory of this wet sock of a film is purged from my brain.

Shit… I’m gonna need way more wine.
#stayspooky