Tonight we’re doing something totally NEW! Well, that’s not exactly true, I guess… We’re doing the EXACT SAME THING, but twice! That’s right, folks. We are watching 2 films back to back and writing completely biased mediocre reviews for both. Here’s the kicker, it’s V/H/S and V/H/S 2, which are both anthology films. Each has an over-arching plot along with 5 (V/H/S) and 4 (V/H/S 2) other short stories. So it’s not just watching two movies, but it’s more like watching and writing reviews for 11 of them. *Starts laughing and also crying* What can I say? I like a challenge. Read: I’m a masochist. #continuity

Also, I’m going to keep saying “we” instead of “I” because it makes me feel less lonely and makes me feel like I’m not just a reclusive hermit. Who needs social interaction, amiright?

Actual photo of me in my living room right now…

We’ll start with V/H/S because why wouldn’t we? This was highly recommended by a lot of people. I was interested to see what all the hubbub was about. I’d been interested in checking this out for a while now. ALL THAT INTEREST WAS GONE within the first 3 minutes of watching this. God, this was awful. What the crap, dudes? I messaged a friend of mine who suggested this so much right after I watched it and gave him hell for it. There’s 6 stories including the main story that plays before and in between the others, so I’ll try to keep this short (or at least average height) and sweet.

Tape 56 – The main narrative. Within the first couple minutes we’re introduced to the scummiest of scum bags. A group of friends film themselves destroying things and full on sexually assaulting a woman in public. Seriously? What the fuck? It’s a bunch of shitty trailer park white dudes who emasculate one another and use the n word a bunch. They get hired to break into a house and find a VHS tape. Then they start watching the tapes. This was done by Adam Wingard who did You’re Next, so I was expecting to like this. I didn’t. It’s was nauseating and the jumping between cameras was handled poorly. I hated it. And the rest of the short stories were all terrible except one.
Amateur Night –  This one had the potential to be good. These douchey dude bros give one of their friends a pair of hidden camera eye glasses in hopes to shoot an amateur porn video when they pick up some chicks at the club and bring them home. The end results are pretty cool. I just can’t with all the Chad, Tad, and Brad characters. No more dude bros please.
Second Honeymoon: Directed by Ti West. I should have expected something decent from him. I love his directing style and he’s really good with slow burn stories. A couple goes on their second honeymoon road trip. Things get weird. Easy concept. Great execution.
Tuesday the 17th: Get it? This was terrible. It was clearly trying to be clever by emulating your standard slasher movie, but the acting was awful and the special effects were garbage. I could literally do better horror movie make up than this.
The Sick Thing That Happened To Emily When She Was Younger: This one I almost liked as well. It was a cool little ghost story(?) filmed entirely through video chats. It just didn’t quite do it for me even though I liked the neat twist ending. There are just so many unnecessary boobs. I like boobs as much as the next person, who I just assume also likes boobs, but enough. Here’s a female character. *Shows boobs* Here’s another female character *Also immediately shows boobs* Just stawp. It didn’t help the story or characters in any way.
10/31/98: More douches. But they’re douches in costumes. This one also could have been cool. It felt like walking through a haunted house. But then they started using poo CGI and it lost it’s realism and my attention. *Shrug*

*Exhales dramatically*

Now I’m really upset I committed myself to watching two of these… Jesus. You guys. Send help.

V/H/S 2 was actually significantly better. It still wasn’t great, but it was LEAGUES better than that dumpster fire I watched before it. I’m jumping right in here, so take my hand.
Tape 49: I liked this better than the last main narrative. Two private investigators are hired to investigate the disappearance of some lady’s son. They explore his last known location and find some VHS tapes. The end was pretty lame, but still better than the last one.
Phase 1 Clinical Trials: Another from Adam Wingard. It is also is poop. Granted a different kind of poop, but still poop. Adam Wingard stars (sucks his own dick) as the main character who gets an experimental eye transplant with a camera in it. The camera lets him see dead people. He meets another woman who got an ear operation that allows her to hear dead people. They commiserate about being all see all evil, hear all evil and proceed to have sex about it. That’s their answer. If we fuck we can ignore them. Boo!
A Ride In The Park: This one was pretty neat. Simple concept. Dude is biking with his Go Pro on and runs into some zombies. He gets bit and turn into a zombie himself. We get to see it all through his Go Pro. Neat, I guess.
Safe Haven: This was hands down the shining star of the entire collection from both movies. A film crew goes to film the inside of an Indonesian cult compound. It goes from grounded and spooky to over the absolute fucking top out of nowhere and I loved it. Again, could have done without the small amount of out of place CGI, but it didn’t entirely kill it. It was brutal and weird. I dug it.
Slumber Party Alien Abduction: This was dumb. Why were the aliens underwater? Why did they lumber after them like the hunchback of Notre Dame when they’re clearly advanced beings? You know how some things are so bad that they’re good? This was just so meh that it was bad. Why would they have ended on this one?

So there you have it. I regret this challenge. The decision was bad and I feel bad. I’m upset that I actually bought these movies to watch them. Granted they were Bargain Bin (deservedly so), but I’m still upset when I look at my DVD shelf now. I wish I could go back to the time when I thought Adam Wingard was good at his job. If you stuck around and read all of this then you almost feel my exhaustion at watching all of this. I will never ever do something like this again.

That’s a lie. I probably will. I’m a slow learner. See y’all tomorrow night. We’re gonna check out Session 9. I wonder how many unnecessary boob shots will be in that one? Join me and find out!

Stay clothed and stay spooky!

Sorry for the delay! Had some internet problems last night, but I still watched a movie, so the challenge is still on! Last night I gave myself a little gift for working so hard. Bone Tomahawk. There is no feasible way I wont like this. I didn’t even watch the trailer. I had no idea what it was even about. It’s a Cowboy western horror movie starring KURT RUSSELL and it’s called Bone fucking Tomahawk. Any argument anyone could possibly have is invalid. The only thing that could make this movie MORE awesome would be if Val Kilmer was here too.

So surprise to absolutely no one, I freaking loved it. This is another directorial debut from writer and director S. Craig Zahler and I’m pretty damn impressed. The characters and setting feel authentic and the dialogue is extremely sharp. It’s not exactly a horror movie, but I wouldn’t call it a traditional western either. It’s a perfect amalgamation of the two. It was everything I hoped it would be. Hell the very first scene is with two bandits played by Sid Haig (known for his roles in House of 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects) and David Arquette (Known for his role in Eight Legged Freaks and being in Courtney Cox’s shadow). That’s already a great start.

Kurt Russell plays Sheriff Hunt with all same witty bravado that he showed as Wyatt Earp in Tombstone. He truly is born for this role. He just makes it seem so effortless. Richard Jenkins gives a great performance as old, dumb, and faithful Deputy Chicory. He’s just so lovable and pure. You know good and god dang well he’s gonna die. Patrick Wilson plays Arthur, who’s wife was kidnapped by some cannibalistic cave dwelling troglodytes. He’s got a pretty severe leg injury and has to crutch along. It’s not an easy part to play, but Wilson does a good job. The last addition to the search party is a dude named Brooder. Surprisingly this was probably my favorite character. He’s the character you are meant to hate. He’s vain and narcissistic and a braggart and just everything awful, but Mathew Fox’s performance is just perfect. I normally hate everything Mathew Fox in everything he does, but he stole every scene he was in. He clearly had a lot of fun playing this.

I just thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing. The whole genre mash-up was great. It went from professional shots to shaky hand cam shots and it held the tension throughout. Also, I will say right now that if you can’t handle gore then stay away from this one. There isn’t a LOT, but when it gets gory it gets downright brutal. That one scene in particular had both my brother and myself cringing in our seats. Yeesh.

Bone Tomahawk gets an 8/10 from me. That’s all for now. Later tonight I’ll be coming with a very special post. Y’know assuming my internet works. Until later tonight, my friends.

Stay spooky, partners!

There’s a bunch of movies on my list that I’ve been excited about, but I don’t think any of them have my attention like Get Out. This film got a TON of buzz and it’s been on my Need To Watch list since it came out. As much as I’ve wanted to watch it though, and I had no doubt that I would enjoy it, I didn’t know if I was gonna include it on this list. I just wasn’t sure if it belonged with these other movies. Before you rage vomit at me for being a racist, I mean because there’s been a lot of debate on whether this was classified as a horror movie or a thriller. Hell, I’m pretty sure it was nominated as a comedy at one point wasn’t it? I just didn’t know what to expect from this. But tonight I figured to Hell with it. I really wanna watch it and as I’ve said before, my blog my rules. So there.

Dudes, dudettes, non binary dudeselves… I’m so glad I did. This movie is so good. It’s worth all of the praise it got. ALL of it. Jordan Peele has created something amazing here. Yeah, THAT Jordan Peele. The one from Key and Peele who ISN’T a side character in every movie ever. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed that show, but the last thing I ever expected from him was this. And it was his directorial debut no less. This was such a well directed, well written, and well cast film. Also, fuck the haters. This was definitely a horror movie. Go ahead and tell me you didn’t pee just a little bit during this scene.

In case you’re like me (awesome) and haven’t seen it or have been living under a rock, the summary is as follows. Chris Washington (Daniel Kaluuya) is a black man in a relationship with Rose (Allison Williams) a white woman. Chris is traveling to meet Rose’s upper middle class whitebred family for the first time. Oddly enough, they’re not upset Rose is dating a black guy like Chris initially thought. In fact they’re extremely welcoming. A creepy amount of welcoming. Chris does his best to make a good impression while dealing with a lot of reverse and unintentional racism. Gradually we start to see that maybe the Armitages are hiding more than initially thought.

So yeah, let’s get it right out in the open. If you’re one of those “Why do we have to bring politics and race into this…bleh bleh bleh” kind of folks then this aint the movie for you. Well, actually even without the racial commentary it’s still a solid horror film. It does delve into systemic racism and the struggles and even just annoyances that your average black man faces in our society. That’s not to say this movie is anti white or any other such bullshit. It’s just very smart and has a message beyond the scares. Hence why it got award nominations and The Strangers got a direct to DVD sequel.

It’s not ham fisted though. It’s extremely clever the whole way through. There are quite a few subtle nuances to be found throughout the writing. And aside from all that the acting from everyone is incredible as well. The whole thing is chocked full of Oscar worthy performances, which you dont always get from horror films. Daniel Kaluuya gives an out of this world performance as the lead. Seriously, it was such a profoundly stunning display of range that I’m pissed now that he didn’t get a better and bigger role in Black Panther. Talk about underutilized.

This unlikable dick? Really? Smh.

Allison Williams as Rose nails her role too. Bradley Whitford and Catherine Keener as Dean and Missy Armitage were perfectly cast. I honestly did not expect to see Catherine Keener take on this kind of role let alone crush it. Marcus Henderson is off putting and intimidating as Walter. But the award for creepiest character goes to Betty Gabriel’s portrayal of Georgina. She gave me the friggin’ willies. She’s meant to be the equivalent of The Shining‘s twins in terms of creepiness and it works.

Gahhhhhh part 3D

There’s tons of nods to classics of the genre to be had here too. There’s clear themes that are straight from Nightmare on Elm St, Stepford Wives, Halloween, and as previously mentioned, The Shining. I picked up on a lot of the metaphors and Easter Eggs, but then I decided to actually watch it with commentary on because I liked this so much. There’s even more that I missed. I was also satisfied that the ending that I predicted that didn’t end up happening was actually the original ending. I assumed it was going to end THAT way instead because it made way more sense metaphorically to the story. I can see why it may not have been well received though. Jordan Peele deserves all of the recognition he got for this. As does the rest of the cast. I’m excited for anything else that comes from this man. He’s one to watch for sure.

Last thing. If not for all the reasons I listed here you should watch this movie for Lil Rel Howery alone. He’s the reason I assume this got a comedy nomination. In between the suspense and tension he had me rolling. I want him to be in more things.

That’s all for tonight, kiddos.
Stay Spooky!

Alright, last night was a bit rough, but I’ve decided to keep with the theme of redemption for my favorite directors. I found ONE MORE flick from John Carpenter I hadn’t seen. I have a bit more hope for this one than The Ward since it’s from 1987 and this was still when Carpenter was in his prime. I guess it’s about a bunch of researchers who find a giant cylinder of slime that could, I dunno, bring about the end of the world or something. Also, Alice Cooper is in it. It sounds terrible and I’m ready for it.

Having watched it now I have a confession to make. I have seen this one before. I didn’t realize until about 40 minutes into it. I have been looking for this movie for more than a decade, but I didn’t remember what it was called or even what it was about. I just remembered the scene where this dude talked in a wonky voice covered in bugs and then decomposed right in front of everyone. I was a little kid when I saw this. I can’t tell you how little, but I remember sneaking out of my room while I think my grandparents had this on and I watched it all sneaky like. The couple scenes that I remembered scarred the hell out of me. I seriously had nightmares for weeks and every now and then I’d think about those scenes and wish I could find this movie again. Once I realized this was THAT movie it made my entire night.

Not just because I have a huge nostalgia boner for it, this movie is awesome. I really don’t understand how it didn’t get way more recognition. It’s great on so many levels. It mixes religion with science and it’s such an ambitious story with a perfect grounded execution. A priest, played by the always astounding Donald Pleasence, stumbles upon a giant vial of liquid under a church in Los Angeles that is actually the devil, but I guess in soda form. So Father Loomis (Yeah, that’s right) enlists in the help of a physics professor played by the grandpa from 3 Ninjas, Victor Wong. Professor Birack (Wong) brings along his best and brightest students to assist with analyzing the Big Gulp sized Satan Slurpee and then things get super messed up. Homeless people, led by Alice Cooper, start wandering towards the church all mindless like and the Lucifer liquid starts spraying itself into people’s mouths which causes them to become possessed. I know, that all sounds silly as Hell (hehe) but it’s the execution that makes this movie a gem.

The whole thing is extremely atmospheric and claustrophobic thanks to Carpenter’s angles and a perfect (as always) musical score. It’s just so full of dread it gives me the shivers. The possessed performances are downright horrifying and the make up effects are fantastic. I mentioned the decomposing dude, right? As soon as he says “Pray for death” I got actual goosebumps. Just like when I was a kid.

Gahhhhhh

And post satan possession Susan Blanchard is flipping nightmare inducing.

Gahhhhhh part 2: The Reckoning

I walked into this not knowing what to expect and I got so much more than I could have asked for. It’s smart as hell, well paced, and extremely original. I actually bought the fancy special edition that came in this swanky ass tin case and I had every intention of returning it if it sucked. Instead I proudly put this sucker on my DVD shelf.

So yeah. I guess I technically broke the rules of this blog. I have seen this before, but in my defense I didn’t remember much of it. So much so that aside from those two scenes I remembered it was like watching it for the first time all over again. Plus, I’m sick, I have work in the morning, and I don’t have time to watch another movie. My blog, my rules and I say it still counts and I’m still 18 movies strong. POD was motherflippin’ amazing and you should totally watch it. It’s got a whopping 99% on Gotham Tomatoes. Certified Spooky. Anyway, seeya tomorrow, internet friends.

Stay Spizzooky

My friend Mick vehemently suggested I watch this one. I’d never heard of it, so I looked it up and to my pleasant surprise I saw that this was both written and directed by probably my all time favorite horror icon, Wes Craven. If you’ve been reading this blog you’ve seen me gush about him already. And this was the first film he wrote AND directed since New Nightmare back in 1994. It’s no secret how much I love Nightmare on Elm St and Wes Craven in general. This man is a legend in innovative horror. We all know about the Nightmare on Elm St movies, of which he wrote and directed the best two, but there’s so much more. There’s Last House on the Left, The Hills Have Eyes, The People Under the Stairs, Scream, Shocker… Well, maybe not Shocker. There’s a reason why almost all the others have gotten sequels or reboots and that one hasn’t. But then again Hollywood IS Hollywood after all, so there’s still time. Ick. Scream 4 didn’t really do it for me, so I’m excited to give my man, Wes another shot on this list. I’m here for this.

Or so I thought. Sorry, Mick and sorry, Wes. This was terrible. In fact it sucked so much I’m gonna just throw the verdict up now and save you from reading the rest of this. 3 out of 10. There, now you don’t have to read the rest of this spoiler ridden rant. I wish that I could bring myself to just stop it here because it genuinely pains me to tear apart ANOTHER Wes Craven movie. BUT it’s what I do.

Rather than go through the trouble of writing a summary I will just let the summary stolen directly from IMDB do the tedious and heavy lifting, so I can get right to making fun of it and being mean.

Seems like it could potentially be a neat concept, right? Well, thanks to piss poor execution you’re wrong. Right off the bat we’re introduced to the schizophrenic Hash Slinging Slasher and all his multiple personalities. Some shit happens. Cops show up. People get murdered and then home dude gets shot. It’s all very over the top and outlandish right out of the gate. Abel, also known as The Ripper, even uses a ridiculous Freddy voice while calling a cop a cunt. Then he wakes up in the ambulance and somehow the thing flips and explodes because SCIENCE and of course his body was never found.

HiS bOdY wAs NeVeR fOuNd…

There were seven kids born at the same time on that very night. Then we fast forward to 16 years later or whatever and all them kids are all growed up. Now if you haven’t already figured out what the ENTIRE story is from here you clearly are just enjoying the popcorn. Seriously, ALL the exposition is given to you in the first 15 minutes. And then we’re forced to slog through the rest of the movie watching a bunch of EXTREMELY unlikable characters in a highly unpredictable setting spewing horribly stupid and uncouth dialogue. Normally the only motivation to continue watching would be to see what the big reveal is to the mystery, BUT WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!

When Bug’s mom reveals that she’s not really his mom and that Abel Plankov, The Ripper, was his real dad I was genuinely confused as to why this was treated as a huge revelation. I assumed this was common knowledge at this point. Also, I mentioned already this would be laden with spoilers, so if you haven’t seen it and you kept reading past that then this is on you.

This movie is so predictable and pointless. We get to see some of Wes Craven’s signature touches, but it’s basically just an uninspired rip off of all his own previous work. There’s a bit of Nightmare in there, a dash of Scream, and even a pinch of Shocker. I’m not lying when I say that I was literally begging for it to be done by the 1 hour mark. If it wasn’t for this blog I would have turned it off AT LEAST 30 minutes before it ended and never looked back.

I really do hate that there’s so much hate for Wes Craven in this blog. I guess it comes with the watching things I haven’t seen before territory. I’ve seen all the good stuff and now I’m stuck watching the black marks on his career. Please, if you haven’t seen the original Hills Have Eyes or People Under the Stairs then go watch those. Hell, go watch Shocker. At least it’s got Mitch Peleggi in it.

Wes Craven deserves to be remembered by those shining stars and not My Soul To Take and Scream 4. In fact, I’ma go buy a 40 just so I can pour it out for him. This one is for my homie, Wes. Rest in peace you macabre S.O.B. and thanks for all the scares.

Stay spooky, y’all.

So I walked into this with little to no expectations whatsoever. It seemed dumb, but then again so didn’t the idea of a supernatural venereal disease that stalks and murders people, but It Follows turned out to be pretty great, so who knows? Amiright? It got a sequel al-freakin’-ready, so maybe it has something going for it.

Simple stupid concept. A bunch of friends play truth or dare in a spooky ass house and then SOMETHING makes it deadly. Easy enough. I don’t need any more explanation than that. Press play and let’s get this over with. Much to my surprise the opening is pretty damn good. It basically starts us off in the tail end of a movie I would totally have watched. We get to see the last of the original truth or dare game that leads to the rest of the movie. It’s surprisingly spooky and well lit and I liked that they didn’t waste any time. Truth or Dare clearly doesn’t give a crap about building up to the supernatural element and doesn’t beat around the bush. I’m here for this.

Then it fast forwards to current day and the actual set of characters we’re meant to follow and it’s such a drastic tonal shift. I was still intrigued though and willing to give it a chance because of the beginning. All the “lifelong friends” meet up on their vacation. They enter the spooky house because one of them heard the stories of what happened, so they decide to play the same game that got the original group killed. Because why not? #whitepeoplewhitepeopling

All of these new characters are so damn unlikable. This is another group of friends that are all just completely different stereotypes that would probably never hang out together normally. They’re also just really awful to each other and have no chemistry and it makes you wonder why they’re even friends in the first place. For the life of me I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS TROPE. How have they stayed life long friends? Get better friends FFS! But it does start up pretty quickly after the meet and greet and it isn’t shy, so I was STILL willing to give it a chance.
Screw you, Truth of Dare. I went in with no expectations. Then you almost IMMEDIATELY fail to meet those expectations that YOU set. This felt like a blind date. You know the one, when you’re just doing it to appease your friends who genuinely care about you ending up being a spinster with multiple cats. And then you sit down and the person actually seems really cool and you order a big plate of food instead of just a margarita. Then they start showing some red flags, but they’re still cool… and then, BOOM! They’re showing full on signs of sociopathy and confessing their undying love of Cardi B while you’re really just wishing you ordered the margarita…

Seriously. This movie was crap. 100% Grade A, grass fed, gluten free crap. If you’re into shitty torture porn that provides no real substance or satisfaction then this is totally for you. It had some smart moments. Like, Dare: Pour this acid on your head. Response: Cover head and arms with baking soda then pour acid. Sure you’re still gonna get burned af, but you’ll live. There’s a few other moments like that throughout, but it really does just devolve into cringey torture porn. And they even do the whole obligatory we need to research this to find out how to defeat it subplot briefly, but it’s pointless. It’s not satisfying and it’s pretty much abandoned. Like, wtf is this thing that’s doing it? I dunno, I guess it’s maybe a demon or whatever lol. And to top it off. The ending is absolute trash. There’s absolutely no gratification whatsoever.

Don’t watch this. And if you do please tag me in your apology letter to yourself. I give this a whopping 2.1 out of 10. I only gave it that much because I would totally rather watch this again than Dead Silence if I absolutely had to. But only by .1%. Blech.

Tomorrow I think I’m going to give Wes Craven a chance to redeem himself. I found another flick from him that I haven’t seen. IT’S THE ONLY ONE I HAVEN’T SEEN, so I’m super excited about it. What will happen? Will I cry and praise my favorite horror icon or will it forever tarnish my opinion of him? Or will it be somewhere in between?? Because I’m not like all or nothing, dude. Chill out.

Tune in. And as always…

Stay motherfuckin’ spooky.

As I’ve said before I’m not like an expert on all things horror and I’m not really an aficionado or anything. I’m just a pretty big fan of genre and I’m more opinionated than I have any right to be. As someone who claims to be a fan though… I’m pretty offended at myself for not having seen Suspiria. I know, right?!? How dare I call myself a true horror fan!

To be honest, I’ve never seen any of Dario Argento’s films. I feel terrible writing that. Now to most everyone your response is probably “Me neither, blogger man, but your sharp and savvy writing has me ALSO feeling ashamed!” That is why I put this movie right smack in the middle of the challenge. It was the very first film I planned on watching, but I set it for the 15th just to make sure I at least made it half way through this.

So I watched it. I don’t know what to say. Let me start by saying this movie is absolutely not for everyone. This is a very specific sub genre of horror. The plot is confusing as shit, but that’s the thing. You don’t watch this movie for the plot. You watch it for the atmosphere. Everything takes a backseat to that. The plot, the story development, the acting. Everything.

Holy Hell is it visually stunning though. Each scene is visceral and holds your attention even when nothing is happening. The musical score is the kind of thing I desperately miss from old horror flicks. It’s so catchy and also unbelievably anxiety inducing. The sets are absolutely gorgeous. And the colors! Holy crap! The whole thing is awash with colors.

If you can ignore the plot and just sit back and watch then it’s amazing. I’m excited to experience more of Argento’s work. Because you don’t really WATCH this movie. You experience it. It really is artwork in every scene. I won’t even bother to go into the summary because it truly doesn’t matter. Just go watch it. Two crazy Italian thumbs up.

We’re halfway there and most definitely living on a prayer. Here’s to 15 more.
Stay spooky, folks.

I’m going to keep this one pretty brief.

Nope. This was painful. Sure the trio of killers were entertaining. Yes, the atmosphere was great and the lighting was top notch. Hell, the masks stayed on AND they were creepy as crap. Actually, I enjoyed a lot of things about this movie to be honest. It could very well have been an instant classic. A franchise for Hollywood to ruin with endless sequels. That is if it wasn’t for one thing. ONE THING made this movie absolutely unbearable.

Yeah. Liv Tyler as the lead. This was worse than when they decided to put Luke Wilson in a horror movie.This was EVEN worse than when they decided to put OWEN WILSON in a horror movie. Her character was awful and her acting was even worse. Her character made every single dumb mistake she could think of. Like she was on a treasure hunt to find all the stupidest choices someone could make and she was damned if she wasn’t gonna win. If I never have to listen to Liv Tyler whisper talk at everything again I will die happy. Or at least complacently. PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO MURDER YOU! USE YOUR FREAKING OUTSIDE VOICE ALREADY!

At one point early on, this isn’t really a spoiler, her boyfriend proposes to her. It’s clearly implied that she says no, but you never HEAR her say no I don’t think. It makes me wonder if she actually said yes and he just didn’t hear her. One highlight though is the brief cameo from Dennis from It’s Always Sunny. That made me giggle. I want all of those dudes to be in more things even if they suck.

Don’t care. I still love them.

I know a lot of people liked this film. I’ve heard a lot of people raving about it. I can see the appeal. I just could not get around her. I know she’s been an outspoken member of the #metoo movement. I know she seems like a relatively stand up person. I also know that I developed a HUGE crush on her after watching Armageddon as a kid and I hope she never reads this… By all accounts I should adore her, but I just don’t appreciate her as an actress. And I didn’t enjoy this movie, mostly because of her. *shrug* I just do not like it, Sam I Am.

I’ll be back tomorrow with Suspriria. Here’s hoping the main character doesn’t just whisper at everyone like she’s a Kindergarten teacher on her first day of teaching.

#stayspooky

I had no intention of ever seeing this. I vaguely remember seeing the preview for this in theaters way back when. I can’t tell you what I was seeing and I can’t tell you what I even remember from the preview other than my reaction. Which was just that it looked dumb and I had no interest in it whatsoever. You lost me at UNFRIENDED as the title. I had every intention of forgetting this even existed, which I totally did, until this challenge came up. More than 4 people suggested this and that’s really all it took to make my list. I live my life with a very “eh, why not?” kind of attitude.

This still really didn’t appeal to me in any way. It just felt like it was trying to appeal to a younger and more socially networked crowd, but in a pandering way. That’s not necessarily the movie’s fault though. That’s on Hollywood. I’m thoroughly convinced they don’t understand how technology works. Look at Stay Alive. Eww.

I’m a millennial, but I’ve always been pretty curmudgeony about things. It’s a bunch of teens using social media and video chatting and such. Bah! I would say. Damn kids and their fancy smart phones and slang and dubstep! Get off my lawn! I would also say. But with an excessive amount of pleading from my friends I’ve started coming around. I know I’m like 10 years too late, but I’m blogging now. I bought a cellular device that isn’t a flip phone that I can use to play Pokemon Go. I take an unhealthy amount of selfies and post them on my Instagram. I also have a vague understanding of how pound signs, I MEAN HASHTAGS work. I’m getting there, fam. #staylit #onfleek #amidone #ineverknowhentheresenoughhashtags #slipperyslope

Dubstep still sucks though

This entire movie takes place on one of the character’s laptop screens. I mean it. The whole movie is from that perspective. She pops back and forth between the Skype chat between her friends (the other characters) and Facebook and YouTube and junk. Now, again, if someone had told me this beforehand I would have said that sounds dumb as Hell and I will never watch it, but… uh… I actually have to give it credit. It worked. They were actually able to establish a stable setting and a sense of connection between the characters through this. That’s impressive even in and of itself. Mad props, bruh.

Now, they all have a mutual friend who committed suicide after a ton of cyber bullying. We get glimpses of it throughout via the videos on YouTube and her memorialized Facebook page that’s filled with an over abundance of thoughts and prayers. The thoughts and prayers don’t stop her ghost(?) from logging into her old FB account and terrorizing her old friends like an overly aggressive spooky pasta chain letter post.

I really hate to say it, but the whole thing is actually well done. It’s great execution of the gimmick they were working with. It actually felt real. They switched between screens and made use of the actual technology there. Why no one just closes their damn laptops and goes to bed is beyond me, but suspension of disbelief is required with any horror film. I just chalked it up to white people white peopling.

Not today, Satan and/or Tom from Myspace

The kills were decent and the tension was solid. The pace was also very well done, which, AGAIN, is very hard to do since it’s just someone clicking between tabs on their mac book. The character growth(?) or polar opposite for that matter is also decent. Everyone gets their spotlight to be a decent sympathetic person or a douche bag. I’m sure there’s a parallel there for cyber bullying and how we converse through the age of social media, but I’m far too tired to go into it.

All in all I, surprisingly enough, enjoyed it. I might even check out the sequel. *Just watched the trailer it actually looks neat* Aside from the shitty webcam moments (Even in 2014 the resolution was better than that, damn it!) it was actually good.

Back in my day we said “Don’t get into cars with strangers”. Nowadays the advice is “Don’t talk to dead chicks online”. It’s a new day and age and I’m learning!

5 out of 7.5 stars. Which is basically almost 6 or 7 out of 10-ish. I dunno, I don’t do math! I write shitty blogs and I make my own scoring. Deal with it. Also, feel free to comment your thoughts and opinions below. If you don’t I might unfriend you. And now that has a way more aggressive connotation.

Stay spooky, bitches!

This one… What kind of…? Who in their right mind…? I friggin’ can’t, dude. Who greenlit this? Who in their right mind listened to the story idea for this and thought it was a good idea? Was it the same people who thought Teeth should be made? I bet it was. So the summary for this is *pinches bridge of nose* A young woman has sex with a guy and contracts some sort of sexually transmitted, er, haunting, I guess. I dunno. The description is pretty vague. Whatever it is it‘s definitely sexually transmitted and the only way to get rid of the supernatural Herpes is to sleep with someone else and then it passes to them.

This sounds like the kind of thing that was written by some incel who owns multiple trench coats and sweats Mountain Dew after he masturbated to Thir13en Ghosts for the 400th time. It sounds like it’s entire budget was probably crowd funded on 4Chan. I just hope with everything in me that the final resolution ends up being some sort of supernatural condom that’s lubed with Holy Water.

So yeah. I actually wrote that before I started the movie. Damn, was I surprised at what happened next. Right off the bat It Follows told me to shut right the Hell up. And when I tried to object it gently put it‘s hand over my mouth and shushed me again. This is not at all the movie I thought I was getting into. It Follows is an absolutely gorgeous and well done film.

I mean it. It was a damn good movie. Somehow it makes the absolutely idiotic premise pretty damn interesting and not over the top about the sex. The lighting, the camera work, the haunting tension inducing music score that syncs perfectly with every scene, all of it. David Robert Mitchell wrote and directed this and even though It Follows isn’t perfect it’s definitely a sophomore outing that anyone should be damn proud of. I’m anxiously awaiting anything else he does.

Maiko Monroe plays our main character Jay Height, who gets infected with the ghoulish Gonorrhea. Her performance is absolutely stunning. She definitely put her all into every scene. You can tell she really attached herself to this role and it shows. She did make plenty of of stupid final girl mistakes, but it all feels within character and believable.

Pretty early on the rules for It are established.

• It can show up as anything or anyone
• It‘s slow, but not dumb
• Never stay anywhere with only one exit
• Don’t let It touch you
• Don’t feed It after midnight
• And if you die It reverts back to the previous SSTD (Supernatural Sexually Transmitted Disease) holder.

I really Liked that last part. Even if you bring yourself to sleep with someone and pass it along you spend the rest of your life never knowing if you’re truly safe. It could very well eventually find it‘s way back to you.

I wont go into too much detail because I want you to go and watch this if you haven’t already. Of course this movie is clearly a play on the Death by Sex trope found in horror films, but all the metaphors are somehow subtle and enjoyable. At one point when It shows up there’s a poem being read aloud while the tensions builds. The poem being read is by T.S. Eliot entitled “The Love Song of J Alfred Purfrock”. I actually wrote a paper on this once. It’s basically about an insecure yet nihilistic dude that dreads and acknowledges that he’s running out of time. One line is “Should I force this moment to crisis?” which really parallels the moral dilemma of getting rid of It. and another he considers “lingering in the chambers of the sea” and throughout the entire movie our protagonist is constantly seen in or near bodies of water and I like to believe that was done on purpose.

Now as I said, it‘s not without it‘s faults. For example, what the hell time period is this set in? We’re watching old timey movies on Box television sets, with landline phones, and even a Nickelodeon style theater with an organ(?), but then there are more modern cars and a a clam shell shaped E-Reader.

The final act was kinda cool, but was mostly laughable and pretty blasé. I did dig the ‘resolution’ and how ambiguous it was, so that kinda made up for it.

The biggest sin though was the under-utilization of Yara. Played by Olivia Luccardi to perfection. She’s a gem and they, NAY, WE don’t deserve her.

She’s the nerdy friend of the group, but she rules. Within 15 minutes of the film she farts on someone while reading Dostoevsky on her SUPER FREAKING SWEET Shell phone thing.

Do. Not. Deserve. Her.

So yeah. There was no Possessed Prophylactic like I hoped, but  it was still a great film. A breath of fresh air. The scenes with It were (mostly) pretty freaking spooky too. Definitely worth a watch. I give it a healthy 8 out of 10.

Worth a watch, but wear protection!

Stay Spooky/Safe!