Alright! Time to start this event off with a BANG! Although given my first choice in films that seems like a wildly inappropriate expression. I say this because tonight we’re watching Hush and the main protagonist in this film, Maddie, is deaf, so it wouldn’t be so much as a BANG as a muffled THUMP or whatever. I dunno, I’ve never been deaf, so I’m basing this on how it feels when I get water in my ears when I’m swimming and I can’t get it out and everything is really muffled and awful. You know what I mean, right? When you have that panic moment after smacking the side of your head trying to get it out and it doesn’t work and then you’re all like, what if this is just my life now?

Just to clarify, I’m not trying to be insensitive that’s just all I have to draw off of as a frame of reference… And when that happens it genuinely scares the shit out of me.

Anyway, Hush. This one has been on my to watch list since it came out. Whenever I ask for new movies to watch this gets brought up. I’ve legitimately never heard a bad thing about this movie (after typing that I’m physically restraining myself from googling reviews) and the premise is cool as hell. It’s your standard Girl goes to a secluded place to get away and IMMEDIATELY regrets her decision when a psycho shows up to do some opportune murderin’ kind of film. I always like seeing a single main character in a horror film. It means they have to work for it more. There aren’t a bunch of red shirts to kill off to fill the time. So either you have a lot of build up until the psycho shows up to make us care about the character and/or you fucking pile on the suspense and probably throw in a concerned neighbor or cop to get murdered for interrupting the aforementioned murderin’.

But Hush adds one unique and simple element. The protaganist is deaf. It’s such a simple addition, but it changes everything. How much scarier can it get being trapped in solitude with some asshole trying to murder you, but you can’t hear any of the misleading floorboard creaks and doors opening? It makes it so much more anxious. Hell, this killer could be awful at his job. He could be played by Gilbert Gottfried, but you can’t hear the bastard coming, so it’s still frightening. Like I said it’s such a simple touch, but it gives it that perfect amount of originality and vulnerability.

That being said… Hush is shit. It’s a smorgasbord (did I spell that right?) of disappointment. From the opening sequence on. Sorry, I hated this. It’s everything I hate about modern horror movies incarnate. I wanted to try to avoid spoilers as best I can, but I make no promises and I really don’t care if I break the promises I do make. You don’t deserve me at my best, Hush.

The sensory shit is right on display right from the get go. RAWR! Title! And then we watch our heroine cooking. Everything is loud af  and she butchers the recipe.

There’s no obligatory driving to the secluded spot, so there’s that. She’s already there because we’re trying to be original. She’s a writer though, so we’re only trying to be original. She meets with a friend that I really enjoyed despite the gratuitous butt shot. Don’t worry the butt shot is important (kinda). We establish a few important things here. One: Jesse, the protagonist, can read lips. Two: She’s working on an ending to her second book. The first of which her friend seems to love. Three: When her friend asks how she hears the voice in her head, Jesse tells us that she hears her mother’s voice. We hear her mother (WHO NEVER SHOWS UP, NOT EVEN IN FLASHBACK) narrate some shit and then Jesse fucks around on her Apple products.

It sucks because I really wanted to like this movie and it’s not without some great moments. *Some spoilers ahead, though minor*

The killer shows up super early into the movie and his mask was great. I was super into it. He nails the psycho eyes like he was literally born for this role, but then he unmasks at like 15 minutes into it. He did it, so she could read his lips while he threatened her. Which I thought was a nice touch initially, but why didn’t he put it back on after? For the last time, Hollywood, WE LIKE MASKS! It gives a sense of detachment that we all find scary and unsettling. Stop trying to humanize every fucking villain. It might work for Disney, but not for horror movies! Case and point: Let’s examine why the original Halloween, where Michael Meyers was a silent predatory personification of evil that never showed his face worked and why the Rob Zombie remake (where half the movie is Michael’s shitty childhood) did not.

I also thought the mom voice thing was neat, but it really doesn’t show up or get any further development except for one other moment at the end of the movie. I would have liked more exploration of that element.

One thing I can say is that this is one movie that you definitely want to watch with all the lights out. Not because of any scary ambiance, but because half the time you can’t see anything. The lighting was pretty rough at times.

I’m pretty sure Kate Siegel gave a decent enough performance, but again, I couldn’t see half of it. Then there was the tacky fucking THIS HAPPENED, oh wait, no it didn’t moment. I didn’t really see Maddie as a great final girl EVEN THOUGH SHE TOTALLY COULD’VE BEEN. She’s got a couple decent moments, but by the time the final kill rolled I just ready for the third act to be over.

All in all, it was a movie with quite a few original elements that could have made it stand apart from it’s counterparts in this sub genre of horror flicks and it just didn’t. Instead they looked at all these neat elements and just made another of the same damn movies while just kind of having the other details there in the background. It even had one of those cliche moments where in order to show you things are getting REALLY tense they start playing shitty rock music in the background which felt way out of place with the more subtle score throughout the rest of the movie.

I give it a 5 out of 10 stars. Maybe I’m just judgmental. Maybe I just expected too much from this. It just felt like it never truly delivered. Maybe I’m just jaded and cynical. Maybe it’s Maybelline. I dunno. You were supposed to be my safe start, Hush. There was no way I wouldn’t like you! Will I ever love again? Am I just too desensitized? Who thought this was a good idea? Find out tomorrow when I review DEAD SILENCE.

Stay spooky, my friends.

 

It’s almost Halloween! Yes, all of October is Halloween. Deal with it. And this Halloween I’m doing a thing! A few years ago I had an amazing idea. The idea was to watch one horror movie a night for every night of October. But I didn’t want to stop there (because I’m a masochist.) I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted to watch one NEW horror flick each night. One movie I hadn’t seen before. I didn’t want to watch the classics and the cult classics for the hundredth time. I wanted fresh meat.

I made a big spectacle out of it, got my room mate and friends involved. I even reached out to my friend Stacie Ponder over at www.finalgirl.rocks for suggestions because she knows things about things and I regard her as a sage when it comes to ALL things horror. If you like what I have to offer definitely check her out. She’s a freaking gem.

Anyway, I fucking failed. Miserably in fact. I made it like 7 days in and just wandered off and did other things. In my defense I have ADD and severe seasonal depression (who doesn’t amiright?) and I also worked retail at the time. Which meant that since it was October we were already neck deep in Christmas decorating, so life was Hell.

Now over the past few years I’ve always wanted to give that challenge a try again, but I never really had the time or drive to do it, but it’s always been there nagging at me. I mean, I don’t get to go trick or treating anymore. I could I guess, but I’m pushing thirty, so if I showed up in full Leatherface garb then I’m more likely to get the cops called than a pillow case full of candy. Plus, at my age you have to worry about diabetes and dieting and shit. I’m still trying to hang on to my girlish figure and a Tootsie Roll on the lips is forever on the hips.

There’s no gratification anymore! No sense of accomplishment! It sucks!

Here’s the thing, I GREW UP on Horror movies. I mean, I still watched Ninja Turtles and Lion King and shit, but I also LOVED horror movies. My mother – Let’s call her Debbie… because I’m terrible at coming up with fake names… Her real name is actually Debbie – raised us on them. We were weird like that. We watched all the special features on the Friday the 13th box set and decided to turn our entire house/yard into a haunted house walkthrough on Halloween. And Holy Bela Legosi’s well tailored ghost, was it EPIC! We made a kid in a Sumo costume pee himself and run home without his candy because of how scary it was. My favorite movie as a young child was Nightmare on Elm St. While all the other 6 year olds were going as Princesses and Power Rangers my mom spent an hour doing my latex makeup to make me the most bad ass pint size Freddy Kreuger ever. She even helped me paint blood on my knife fingers. I love this stuff, but I haven’t really kept up with it. I think the last time I watched a scary movie was the last time I tried this challenge…

So here we are. I’m doing it again. For real this time! One new horror flick EVERY NIGHT. Only this time I don’t just want to watch the movies, I figure I might as well challenge myself (because I’m a masochist.) I’m going to write a review for each of them. There are gonna be a couple classics I missed, some cheese ball stuff, but most of it is relatively newer horror since that makes up the largest percentage of stuff I haven’t seen. I’ll say right now that I’m no expert. Not by a long shot. I know precisely jack about cinematography and all that. I’m just a fan. I’m still going to judge the crap out of things, but feel free to disagree with me. Vocally. In the comments. Hell, start your own blog about how full of shit I am. I will most definitely read it. Either way I’m gonna have a lot of fun doing this. I know it’s still September, but fuck September! It’s boring! We’re all just mourning the death of Summer while trying to get ready for Halloween anyway.

So grab your pumpkin spice lattes (it’s okay basic white girls, this is a safe space) and your favorite button down flannel and strap in! Let’s get spooky, bitches.