You know that feeling when you’re cleaning and find a 20 dollar bill that you didn’t know was there? That’s how I felt when I stumbled across a copy of The Ward. It’s a John Carpenter movie that I haven’t seen! Freakin’ score! I had no idea this existed. Well, I might have, but I just didn’t pay attention. It’s also the first movie he directed since Ghosts of Mars in 2001. Which is fair. I’d probably take a hiatus after that too. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved that movie. If you don’t take it seriously it’s awesome. It’s got crazy masochistic alien zombies, Ice Cube is here being all Ice Cubey, but in space, and the makeup effects were pretty solid. Robert Carradine gets his head chopped off. It’s wonderful. It’s definitely a huge blemish on Carpenter’s resume though. The Ward seems like a much more traditionally scary movie though, so I was excited to check out his return.

Kristen, played by the lovely Amber Heard, is apprehended after burning down a farmhouse and subsequently admitted to an asylum. It’s set in 1966. Back when they electroshocked the shit out of people and you could smoke cigarettes in doors. We get quickly introduced to the other resident Girl Interupted stereotypes. You’ve got Sarah (Danielle Panabaker) the slutty mean girl, Emily (Mamie Gummer) the cutter/crazy, but only for the attention, Zooey (Laura-Leigh) the child stuck in an adult’s body, and Iris (Lyndsy Fonseca) the shy and anxious intellectual artist. We also get to meet the staff. There’s Roy (Dan Anderson) the orderly who oozes douchbagginess out of his pores and Nurse Lundt (Susanna Burney) who is basically just Nurse Ratched if she had more of a resting bitch face and was constantly sucking on the same lemon.

Then there’s Doctor Stringer, played by Jared Harris. He tries to tell Kristen she’s not crazy, but at the same time… You don’t get played by this guy if you’re not up to some weird and malevolent shit.

I see right through you creepy Doctor man!

Then it turns into your standard ghost girl kills people and we gotta find out more about her to stop her from killing people kinda films. There’s a lot more that could’ve been done with this. And I expected a lot more out of John Carpenter. Sure there were some decent shots and a few hints of his signature touch, but it just wasn’t enough. The whole thing just felt really watered down. I don’t necessarily hate it, but I don’t plan on adding it to any must see or even What to do if you have 89 minutes to throw away lists any time soon. It’s just bland. None of the characters are fleshed out enough beyond being JUST stereotypes to care about. The acting is decent, but not great. It doesn’t feel like the 1960’s either and that’s a bummer. They really could have played up the sheer terror of asylums back then. I will say the jump scares are alright, I guess. And the twist ending is, admittedly, more well done than most, but still the same shit we’ve seen a hundred times even by 2010’s standards.

I am Jack’s sense of apathy

The last thing I want to say is that John Carpenter is outdated or he lost his touch, but this just felt like he looked at some of the horror movies at the time and then tried to fit in. Like, he saw The Grudge and was like, “Hey, you guys! I can make a movie about a ghost girl too! I’m totally doing this ironically though. Lol. I’m still hip!”


I guess one takeaway from this whole ordeal is that I waited so long to watch this that I got to see two of my favorite under rated DC Comics characters in the same movie.

So, yeah. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t good. I honestly preferred Ghosts of Mars. I’d much rather watch Natasha Henstridge, Ice Cube, and Jason Statham fight industrial rave zombies on Mars than sit through this again. Hell, I’d prefer eating plain white rice for every meal for a week straight than watching this. This movie is basically the equivalent of that, but at least one provides me with sustenance.

I give this a whopping 4 out of 10 stars.

Damn. I should have saved that Four for you, Glenn Coco gif from last night for this instead. Ah well. Live and learn. Tomorrow I’m checking out It Follows. It sounds terrible! Tune in. Until then…

Stay Spooky, kids.

Holy crap, you guys… The Descent. I am genuinely upset at myself for never having watched this before now. It’s been out for thirteen years. THIRTEEN YEARS. That’s so much lost time that I could have spent re-watching it over and over again. This is one of the most terrifying movies I’ve ever seen. The Descent is HANDS DOWN the best movie I’ve watched so far. As much as I hate that I waited so long to watch it, I kinda wish I would have waited until October 31st to watch it because I doubt anything else I this month will top it. Seriously, I can not recommend this movie enough. If you haven’t seen it then go buy it immediately. I picked up a copy from Bull Moose for like $3 and now I feel like I should call the film makers directly and apologize and give them more money.

I mean, someone needs to pay for Norah-Jane Noone’s royalty checks.

Directed by Neil Marshal, The Descent starts with a group of lifelong friends on a white water rafting trip together. Not long after tragedy befalls Sarah (Shauna McDonald) in the form of a BRUTAL accident that claims the life of her husband and child. No, I’m not spoiling anything. It’s in the summary. This is how it starts.

Fast forward a couple years later when the group of ladies reconnect again for a much needed adventure. This time they’re spelunking some underground caverns. I really enjoyed these characters. In most movies, horror movies especially, it’s usually just a bunch of stereotypes thrown together and we have to believe they’re friends for some reason. Or worse it’s just a bunch of people being really shitty to each other making you wonder why they’re even friends. Not the ladies of The Descent. They seem like authentic life long friends. They all seem to genuinely care about Sarah and how she’s handling her loss. We have Beth, the best friend and winner of the best line in the film (How do you give a lemon an orgasm?). Two sisters. Rebecca, the eldest and overly cautious one, and Sam, the younger and inexperienced one who is also a med student (Played by Saskia Mulder and MyAnna Buring respectively). Then we have Juno (played by Natalie Mendoza) who very sneakily became my favorite character. She’s the resident expert on all things EXTREME, bruh. There’s also some tension between her and the rest of the group, but especially Sarah, as she never visited or reached out to Sarah after the deaths. And then… Then there is Holly. Played by the wonderful Norah-Jane Noone. She’s described as Juno’s protégé. She’s edgy and butch and lives for adrenaline! She’s your standard easily hate-able throwaway character and I still kinda loved her for it.

It starts pretty slow, not counting the whole dead husband and child bit, and gradually builds at a perfect pace. You get to know the characters and their relationships and it makes you care about them and then they get to the caves. You know how I talked about the parts of AASB that worked and why I enjoyed it? This is what As Above So Below wished it could be. I can’t use our abbreviated nickname anymore because I’ve betrayed the friendship we had. The cinematography in this is astounding in it’s ability to capture the vastness yet claustrophobia of these caves. And the freaking lighting! It’s one of the darkest movies I’ve ever seen, but they accentuate the scenes with blues and reds and yellows and it just works, dude.

And once the action starts it takes off running and doesn’t stop. It amps it up to 11 and then coasts to the end. And for those of you sickos who love gore (raises hand) The Descent delivers in spades. It’s not over the top, but it’s not shy at all. I’m usually really not into creature films. Sure, there are a few exceptions to the rule (Aien, Pumpkinhead, The Thing) but they’re just not my bag normally. This film changed my perspective on the genre. It can be done and it can be WELL DONE.

I won’t spoil anything, but the build up with the character arcs in the beginning also come to an extremely satisfying conclusion that almost over shadows the fact that they’re fighting to survive. It’s so expertly done. I had to stop typing just so I could start slow clapping and wipe away a single tear.

Lastly, I just wanted to address the ending. My $3 copy had both the original and the unrated cut. I didn’t know there were two different endings, all I knew was that there was an unrated option and that’s what I went with because DUH, unrated = more and also better. So I got the original ending that they ended up not going with in the final cut. I know now (after looking online) that the second canon ending is almost universally the preferred ending. I gotta say though, I actually preferred the original ending. It was a lot more ambiguous (which, as we all know, I LOVE me some ambiguity) and open for interpretation. I can totally see why people preferred the end result though. I’m actually happy that you get to choose. Both endings work on completely different levels and neither takes away from the quality of the rest of the movie in my opinion. It really just boils down to your own preference and whether or not you want a sequel.

I know, we seem to like it more when I hate things. It’s much more amusing that way because I get irrationally angry and spew nonsense. Sorry to disappoint. I loved this and it left me feeling all warm and spooky inside. Hell, this made it into my Top Ten. If I could I would marry it. But I also have a crippling fear of commitment, so we’ll just live together in a Domestic Partnership for ten years or so until we are recognized by the state under a Common Law Marriage.

Time to finish my glass of Moscato and hit the coffin. Stay spooky, everyone.

Before I I Wake seemed like a really cool concept. I scrolled past it on Netflix and watched the trailer and it just seemed really interesting. A couple decides to adopt a young boy after the loss of their own son. Come to find out said orphan has a very unique gift. You see, when he sleeps his dreams manifest themselves into reality. Of course, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. Seriously though, this kid really has an unhealthy obsession with butterflies.

So, I watched it. I hate this movie. It was God awful. If I found a magic lamp and a Genie popped out and granted me three wishes I would use all three of them to go back to a time where I never saw this garbage can fire of a film. I know what you’re thinking. Come on it can’t be THAT bad. Shut up. You’re wrong. It was. What was wrong with it, you ask? Where do I even start?

*Inhales*

The story itself, the characters, the dialogue, the ham-fisted imagery, the crappy CGI, the SHEER AMOUNT of suspension of disbelief it took to slog through it, the horribly disappointing ending… Just to name a few things.

*Exhales*

I could honestly go on and on. In fact, I will. Because this is MY blog and I do what I want.

This movie is everything I hate about modern horror movies. The few jump scare moments are easily telegraphed and not at all rewarding. Everything is TELL instead of SHOW. There is no ambiguity. There’s no thinking involved. Clearly the writers and director think we, the audience, are complete idiots, and furthermore… Wait… Who directed this?

Son of a… Damn it, Mike Flanagan. I’m so beyond done with this dude. How does he keep getting work? This is yet another neat concept that he just butchers. It’s like polishing a turd, but the opposite. This is the third movie I’ve watched with him attached to it and I’m done. I just went through all the other new movies on my list to make sure I didn’t accidentally watch another of his films. Oddly enough I found one. Occulus was on my list. Not anymore! I yeeted that into the realm of Never Gonna Watch It. Not taking the chance.

Now, let’s talk about the performances. They were wonderful. Ha! You thought I was gonna be negative. Way to be assumptive. Even though I don’t like Kate Bosworth (I dunno something about her just irks me) and I liked her character Jessie even less, her performance was solid. Thomas Jane as Mark nailed his character. He perfectly captured the inner struggle and grief his character was going through even though he didn’t talk about it. Jacob Tremblay also gave a great performance as Cody the Haunted Orphan.

But the characters themselves were terribly written. No one acts like this. Their responses are not responses real people would have to these situations.

*And now we’re taking a trip to SPOILER town*

I have a few questions that need to be addressed, but first lets talk about the film’s baddie, The Kanker Man. He was terrible in every way. He looks like Freddy Krueger had an illegitimate love child with one of the aliens from South Park. And also, that child was abandoned in the wild and was raised by a family of Praying Mantises. Just look at him.

That’s just simple math.

Now, for those questions:
1. So when Mark “goes missing” we just take the child away, dont look into his disappearance, AND treat Jessie like shit even though we think she might be a victim of spousal abuse?
2. How and why did their 6 year old drown in a bath tub? Like, what?
3. Why were they freaking out that Jessie gave Cody a sleeping pill when it was prescribed by his doctor?
4. So Jessie’s just allowed to go through all kinds of backlogged personal files and somehow the Orphanage is unlocked after hours and she can come and go as she pleases?

*We are now exiting SPOILER territory*

I also really don’t consider this to even be a horror movie. It’s more of a dark fantasy kind of deal, but still. I felt the same way about Mama and that was still a great movie.

Please. Don’t watch this. It’s not even laughably bad. It’s just bad. The ending if nothing else makes this movie horrible. It’s so cliche disappointing. It was such a predictable cop out. It felt like a genuine insult to my intelligence. Go watch literally anything else. In fact, have you seen Mama? If not, go watch that. That’s a much better representation of this sub genre of horror film.

I’m gonna go drink wine until the memory of this wet sock of a film is purged from my brain.

Shit… I’m gonna need way more wine.
#stayspooky

I’m doing something a little different tonight. I’m watching a sequel. I gotta be honest, I didn’t really have much interest in this. Both when it was announced, when it premiered, and even when I considered this challenge. I felt the same way about Scream 4 that I feel about the upcoming Halloween movie. I want to be excited, but it just feels unnecessary and I know not to trust sequels. Or reboots for the most part. I realy loved the first Scream. It was an original movie made by probably my favorite horror movie writer and director Wes Craven. It was perfect. It was different, but familiar and furthered some of the meta ideas that Craven started exploring in New Nightmare, the final Nightmare on Elm Street movie.

But what about Freddy vs Jason?

THE FINAL NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET MOVIE.

The more I thought about it though the more I wanted to watch this. It was Wes Craven’s final film before he passed away. I really do want to see what they do with Sidney’s character, and I’m a completionist. Plus, I still have an undying 90’s nostalgia fueled crush on Neve Campbell.

*Swoon*

Sidney has always been one of my favorite Final Girls. I think that’s why it took me so long to watch this. I just didn’t want to see them do to Sidney what they did to Laurie Strode. I guess the new Halloween recitifies this, but still. I’VE BEEN HURT BEFORE, DAMN IT.

I watched it. Verdict: It’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t that bad. It definitely had it’s moments. Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell/Bae) returns to Woodsboro after ten years while touring for her book. Her book is about (You guessed it!) the Woodsboro murders. The other 2/3 of the original trio are also here and they’re exactly how you would’ve predicted them to be 10 years later. Dewey (David Arquette)  is the town sheriff and Gayle (Courtney Cox – Sans Arquette) is a failed reporter/writer who’s miserable. They all nail their performances and the one of the things I did enjoy is that this actually felt like it existed as a real Scream movie. The addition felt real within that universe. Not many decades later sequels actually feel like they belong. Of course Ghost Face shows up to terrorize Sidney again and also a new group of teenage girls that mirror all the old stereotypes. Honestly, I didn’t give much of a shit about any of the newbies except Hayden Panettiere’s character. I forget her name. It doesn’t matter. Even when she’s bad ass and has short gelled hair she’s still Claire Bennet to me.

Save the edge lord, save the world!

The meta commentary is on full display, but this time it launches a full on assault against Reboots and Remakes. I respect the shit out of that considering Wes Craven was one of the biggest victims of having his work rebooted and neutered (Last House on the Left, The Hills Have Eyes, freaking NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, etc.).

Honestly though the only real reason to watch this is to see Sidney. No! Not just because I have a huge crush on her…

But because she’s everything I could have asked for from a Final Girl, but ten years later. Ghostface shows up and starts terrorizing everyone and Sidney hands him the business over and over again. She kicks the killer down the stairs, slams doors on him. Sidney is over this shit. In fact she delivers my favorite line in the whole movie:

“You forgot the first rule of remakes. Don’t fuck with the original!

From what I heard this was supposed to kick off another trilogy, but Wes Craven’s death put an ax (or knife, I guess) to that. I’m both surprised and glad they didn’t continue with it. This was not the greatest movie, but it was a good end to Sidney’s character. Sid will forever go down as one of my top 5 final girls and Wes Craven will go down as one of, if not, my favorite Horror pioneers. I give it a 5.5 out of 10.

I’m exhausted, so this is where I leave you. I’m heading to bed and I’m going to dream of a world where Rob Zombie’s Halloween never existed and Hell Raiser stopped after Hell Raiser 2. Good night and stay spooky, everybody.

I honestly didn’t even know this movie existed until like a month ago. When I asked for suggestions for movies I hadn’t seen yet and people sounded off. Most of the suggestions were for stuff I’d already seen or for stuff I will literally never watch. Because fuck the Warrens.

But my wonderful mother, who I’ve nicknamed Debbie (Yay! Recurring jokes!) recommended that I watch Hereditary. She has been very adamant that I watch this movie in particular, but wouldn’t tell me anything about it other than it was “fucked up and you have to REALLY pay attention to get it.” I love my mother and I respect her opinions even if we don’t share the same ones, so I saw it that same day she recommended it whilst shopping and I bought it without even reading the back. She went on and on about how I HAVE to watch it and how it was such a surprise. She’s been nagging me since then to watch it, so we could talk about it, but I told her it would have to wait till October. It’s been almost month. I then told her at the start of this I’d be reviewing it on October 30th because I knew how much she wanted me to watch it and I found this to be extremely funny.

What can I say? I’m a terrible son and suffering makes me giggle.

She’s been going on and on about it though. About how I wont see the ending coming *scoff* and how there are so many things I’ll miss *Pshaw*. To be honest, I thought she was full of shit. Sorry, ma. In my defense though, she thought The Others was an amazing movie when it came out and raved about the twist ending for that too. *Blech* Also, she loves the Warrens.

She might have raised me on Horror films and got me started, but our tastes have evolved and differed drastically over the years. But after all the awful jokes I’ve made at her expense (only because I know she’ll keep reading this regardless) I’m watching it now. Are ya’ happy, Debbie?

*Pops in DVD* *Watches it to completion*

Touchè, mom. Touchè. What the Hell did I just watch? What do I even write about this? This is by far the hardest review I’ve had to write so far.

I guess we’ll start with the summary… No, we wont because I don’t even know how to write that. This movie changes direction and changes tones so many times I’m pretty sure I just watched three different movies in one sitting. A family deals with the death of their grandmother/mother and then weird shit starts happening. All sorts of weird shit. Weird shit that may or may not even be related, but probably is. Just weird shit all over the place.

Bruh, I walked into this knowing that I had to pay attention, but I had no idea what to pay attention to… and I still didn’t see any of it coming.

The performances (FROM EVERYONE) were absolutely phenomenal. I can’t say a single negative thing about any of them. Toni Collette as Annie, the mother of the family who just lost her own mother and is struggling to keep it all together, is superb. She is tortured, and flawed, and believable. Her character has so many layers to her and at times reminded me of my own mother, which is going to make for fun/weird conversation when I chat my mother’s ear off about this later. Alex Wolff who plays the older sibling Peter was a rockstar too. He has such a huge arch to his character and he nails every aspect of it. I really enjoyed him on screen even if I wished he’d just use some damn conditioner…

Gurl, we needs to get you some Herbal Essence STAT!

Hell, even the Dad was great. He didn’t have much to do, but he was great. He didn’t seem to give much of a shit at all about anything and seemed to just want everyone to be happy. Which you see later is just because everything/one around him is crazy and he’s trying his best to hold it all together. BUT the real show stealer (show thief?) here was Charlie, played by Milly Shapiro. Holy Jesus, Buddha, and Vishnu is she creepy as crap. And no, I’m not just saying this because of her looks. I could be wrong, but I think she has Cleidocranial dysostosis just like the kid from Stranger Things, but I don’t think for a second Gaten Matarazzo could pull of this kind of a performance.

I still love you though, Gaten. You adorable little bastard.

Milly is so freaking out of this world amazing as Charlie. Charlie as a character is so beautifully written and acted. As with every one of these characters she is extremely layered and you have no idea what to expect from her each scene to the next.

Again, the story… I really can’t. Just watch it, dude. I really have nothing to say other than what I already have without IMMEDIATELY entering Spoiler territory. The whole thing is weird. The pacing is all over the place. At certain times you feel like it’s draaaaaagging on and then you immediately find yourself blinking furiously and begging it to slow down, so you can get a handle on what just happened.

Also, you were right, ma. I really didn’t expect the ending. In fact, I didn’t expect the final act to go ANYTHING close to how it did. Holy frick, was that last altercation scary as hell and SO well done. This movie is DEFINITELY not everyone’s cup of tea. This is not an Earl Grey kind of movie. I can ABSOLUTELY understand if you didn’t like this or even hated it. But there’s no arguing that Ari Aster, who wrote and directed this, made a beautiful film. He has a keen eye and a weird vision and I’m excited for anything else he is attached to. Whether you like the movie or not he is extremely talented. Same goes for Milly Shapiro. She is a freaking gift and I look forward to seeing more of her.

I really don’t know how to rate this one. 7.5 out of 10 seems more than fair. I fully intend on watching it again (multiple times) to try and pick up on all the little nuances and junk I missed, so I reserve the right to change that rating at a future date. You know what? Just based on the fact that it makes me want/need to re-watch it (for better or worse) I’ma bump it up to an 8 out of 10.

Please, for the love of everything sound off. On here or on any of my social media platforms, or even in person. I really want to discuss this one. There’s so much right and wrong with it and there’s so much ambiguity. I love it and I want to hear your thoughts.
Shit… Now I know how my mom felt…

Here’s to another successful night here at Gotham’s 31 Days of Horror.
Typing that out it really should have been NIGHTS of Horror…
Oh well, the pace has picked up and I’m excited for what’s next. See you tomorrow.

And as always….

You know the drill by now.
#stayspooky

I remember seeing the trailer for AASB (That’s right this movie and I are on such good terms that we have nicknames for each other) and falling madly in lust with it. You had me at The Catacombs of Paris. Seriously, how can you go wrong with THE Catacombs? And once I found out it was the first movie to ACTUALLY be filmed there I freakin’ lost it.  Ever since I was a small child I have been enamored with them. It’s always been at the top of my bucket list to visit and explore these tunnels. So yeah, As Above So Below…

My body is ready…

This did what none of the others so far have been able to do. It actually had me a little spooked. Do I think it was a perfect movie? Crap no. But it gave me that feeling I used to get when you’re scared to get up to turn the lights on. At one point I couldn’t remember if I’d locked the downstairs door. I STILL haven’t gone downstairs to check. It’s friggin’ dark down there! And narrow! That’s how people get murdered! Then again, I guess leaving it unlocked is a good way to get murdered too… Doesn’t matter. I’m staying right here.

The story is very Da Vinci Code meets The Blair Witch Project. Our lead, Scarlet (played by Perdita Weeks best known by her small role in Spice World) is searching for the real life Philosopher’s Stone. She’s your standard fanatically obsessed scholar type. Her friend Benji (played by Edwin Hodge) is the camera dude filming their exploits. Her latest find brings her to Paris, where she enlists in the help of (Ben Feldman) her ex boyfriend and church bell… fixer? They end up hooking up with some local vagrants who know the ins and outs of the off limits parts of The Catacombs and Voila! Scooby and the gang are all assembled. From here they enter the Catacombs and it very quickly amps up the fucking spooky, which makes the tedious build up all but a memory.

It had a few scenes with CGI, but it’s shining moments were where it didn’t use any at all. It did so much with so little. As it should be with found footage films. I understand some people can’t deal with the shakey camera stuff from these types of movies, but I thought the camera work was fantastic. The angles and lighting combined with the claustrophobia of the freaking Catacombs just really got to me. Not to mention the anxiety inducing chanting in the background.

There are some parts that are pretty goofy and (if I’m being honest) lame. Most of the National Treasure moments kind of detract from the scary moments, but they’re still interesting. There are so many parallels to Dante’s journey from The Divine Comedy and I absolutely loved it. It was really clever. Even when I wasn’t scared I was still intrigued. Admittedly the final act did require A LOT of suspension of disbelief with so much happening and them stopping to make sure they pick up the cameras to keep us there. There are so many parallels to Dante’s journey from The Divine Comedy and I absolutely loved it. It was really well written. I still really wanted to see how they were going to end it though.

And the ending. I heard from most everyone that they hated the ending and I can certainly understand why. It’s not what I expected and definitely not what I would have gone with, but I actually really liked it. I say this because I understand what they did there. I mentioned the parallels to The Divine Comedy, right? Yeah, that’s why I liked it. Clever touch, you guys.

All in all, I give my homie, AASB 666 stars out of 777. It was spooky as hell and when it wasn’t it was interesting. Definitely worth a watch at least. Is I didn’t dislike it a glowing review? Tell me what you guys thought of it in the comments. I’d genuinely love to hear other people’s thoughts on this one. Plus it would validate me and let me know my mother isn’t the only one reading this.

Until tomorrow, my friends.

What horror movie list would be complete without at least one Stephen King entry? The problem with that is I have legitimately grown up watching and reading EVERYTHING Stephen King because my mom is an obsessed psychopath (Love you, ma). So it’s hard for me to find something of his to include on an I haven’t seen it before list. We lived and breathed all things Stephen King and that was BEFORE we moved to Maine.

I should probably clarify that we didn’t move to Maine just to be closer to him. It was just a happy coincidence.

Or was it…

But yeah, we love him in this household. I’ve met him too. He’s a super cool dude. He hung out, signed some books, we chatted, I came… I even got my mom to meet him, she came…

Also, he’s freakishly tall… No one ever prepares you for that.

Anyway, back to  Gerald’s Game. Admittedly, it’s one of the few books from Stephen that I’ve never read. I know! For shame! But I know the premise and I know what I’m walking into more or less. Let it be said that I’m an avid reader before anything else and I am about to commit a cardinal sin… I’m about to watch a movie BEFORE reading the book.

I can hear my mother’s voice right now…

“How dare you watch the movie first?” “I raised you better than this!” “Why do you keep making off color jokes about me?” “Why am I still reading this and sharing it on Facebook for all of our relatives to read?”

I’m a rebel.

So it starts with a couple that decides their lives are way too damn vanilla, so they go away to a cabin to spice things up. Now I’m not one to kink shame, but fucking really, you guys? Rent a hotel room. I mean, no one gets murdered at a Ramada for throwing on a gimp suit and doing the nasty. Plus, you get free continental breakfast the next morning. My safe word is “waffles”. 😉
The wife gets handcuffed to the bed and the husband dies suddenly and then she’s left there. I’m assuming she starts going crazy and some weird shit happens. It’s Stephen King, so I have a good idea of what I’m in for.

I’m not going to lie, for like the first 45 minutes of this I absolutely hated it. I hated it SO much. Both Gerald and Jesse are two sides of the same cliché. Jesse is the naive, mousey, and kindhearted wife and Gerald is the un-fucking-believably unlikable misogynistic garbage husband. The direction right from the get go is very TELL instead of SHOW. There is no sense of subtlety whatsoever. Wait a minute… Who directed this? Mike Flanagan? That explains it. He’s the same dude who did Hush. If you don’t know how I feel about him then just scroll back to day ONE of my 31 Days of Horror. Hush, another movie with so much wasted potential that I’m pretty sure it’s a part of why the ice caps are melting. Makes sense now.

Gerald does die pretty early on thankfully because he’s just awful. He even goes so far as to shame and gaslight Jesse after she says she’s not comfortable with how rough he’s getting. He does this all the while still leaving her handcuffed. This is why establishing boundaries and safe words are important, kids! Don’t listen to 50 Shades of Grey. Consent is important.

One thing I will say I was not expecting.

Gerald’s old ass is freaking shredded… Did not see that coming.

But now he’s dead. I was surprised and intrigued at first when he died so early on. How can they carry the rest of the film from here? Well, they do it by Jesse going crazy pretty damn quick. She starts hallucinating real early on. There’s a second or two dedicated to her problem solving skills and TELLING you how futile her situation is instead of SHOWING you. We get nightfall and then insert The Moonlight Man, played by the FREAKING AMAZING Carel Struyken. I wont even post a photo of it because it wont do him justice. Yes, Lurch, I rang. Thank you for answering, you beautiful bastard. And the scene with The Moonlight Man was perfectly executed. The scene was  creepy and so well lit. More than anything I’m proud of Mike Flanagan for learning how to use lighting so well.

And this is when my entire perspective of this movie changed and so won’t my review. She makes it through the encounter with The Moonlight Man and the following morning she’s sporting Angelina Jolie lips from Girl Interrupted. Was he a hallucination? Was he an actual spectre? One of her hallucinations shows up to scare her and add to the ambiguity and it says one of the most profound statements I’ve heard in a long time.

“But to be a person alone… in the dark… Women alone in the dark are like open doors, Jesse. And if they scream for help who knows what might answer?”

Fuck. This IS a horror movie. It IS a scary  movie. It’s just not made for me.

The entire rest of the movie had me eating out of it’s hand. I accepted it for what it was and it WAS frightening. It WAS unsettling. There were moments that, as a parent, a FATHER specifically, I was cringing and ready to fall out of my seat. I was scared and worried for Jesse. I didn’t know how it was going to end. It’s Stephen King story. He’s infamous for killing main characters, gawd damn it!

And can I say, that even at the worst moment (the first 30-45 minutes) Carla Gugino’s performance was amazing. Absolutely hands down the best performance I’ve seen in any of the movies I’ve watched. She poured her heart and soul into this film and it shows. I guess Bruce Greenwood was great too seeing as how he genuinely made me hate the crap out of him right from the get go and somehow made me hate him more as the film went on.

Also this had one of the single most gruesome scenes I’ve ever seen in it. I knew it was coming, but JESUS CHRIST I didn’t expect that!

Last thing I want to mention is the end. It really could have ended like 10 or 15 minutes before it did and it still would have left an impact, but I genuinely liked the ending. It was unexpected, but not in a WHAT A TWIST kind of way. I dug it.

All in all I think Gerald’s Game is one of my favorites so far. It snuck up on me, but in the end I feel that especially in today’s climate this study on real fears faced by women and victims was exactly the horror movie we needed.

…Now I need to go read the book…

See you tomorrow, friends! I genuinely have no idea what I’m reviewing anymore. I’m just grabbing from the pile of movies and going because I’ve lost control of my life.

Stay fuckin’ spooky!

I was here for The VVitch as soon as I saw the trailer. It had everything I could want from a movie. There just isn’t enough period accurate Salem witch trial era movies. I love movies that deal with witchcraft in general though. Hell, AHS: Coven was by far the best season. (Fight me!) Like i said, as soon as I saw the trailer for this I was all in. It had everything. Innocent looking lady in a bonnet? CHECK. A baby, because babies are spooky af and/or to be a sacrifice or something? CHECK. Ominous foggy gray ass New England backdrop? CHECK. I’m following you, The VVitch. Do your VVitchy thing, girl! #Werk

Having watched it… I’m really not sure what to say about The VVitch. After it ended I just kinda sat here for a few minutes digesting what I just saw and not knowing how to feel. It definitely got me feelin’ some kinda way. I liked it, I think and I absolutely plan on watching it again.

It’s set in the 1600’s in New England. A family is ex communicated from their community because of some sort of disagreement because of their devout Christian beliefs. So they set up shop on the outskirts of some harsh New England wilderness. We got Ma and Pa and five kids living their best (which is their fucking worst) life in this tiny little shack with some corn and goats and junk. Also, as I said they are devout Christians. Not just devout though, I’m talking vigilant, everything you do is a sin and you should hate yourself for it, +3 guilt damage kind of Christians. So of course when their infant son goes missing and their crops start dying it’s obviously because of SATAN and WITCHCRAFT and not because of poor parenting and the fact that that maybe they’re just shitty farmers. *Shrug*
*Spoilers*though, the shitty farmers/parents were totally right. It is a witch!

I dunno. This just didn’t really feel like a horror film to me for some reason. Again, that’s not to say I didn’t like it because I totes did. And that also isn’t to say that it didn’t have some truly off putting and scary moments because it totes did. When I think about it it makes more sense to look at it as a folktale instead of a scary story. Which makes sense considering the original title was The VVitch: A New England Folktale. That just makes it easier to digest for me for some reason.

That being said I would not lump this into the same folktale category as Paul Bunyan.

Umm… Boo?

It gets pretty intense early on and then settles into it’s consistent pace. Which is pretty slow. I was fine with that though. I don’t mind a slow burn. It piles and piles on the tension. Scratch that, it doesn’t so much pile on the tension as much as it piles on the dread. So. Much. Dread. The beautiful, yet dreary setting and cinematography combines perfectly with the subtle haunting music score. It paired perfectly, like boxed wine and a block of sharp cheddar. I should mention that much like movies, I don’t actually know anything about wine or cheese I just enjoy them.

There’s really a lot to love about this film. It’s beautiful. It’s eery. Everything looks and feels authentic. I guess they used almost entirely natural light and the dialogue and story was based around actually written accounts from that time period. Also both Anya Taylor-Joy who plays Thomasin, the eldest daughter and suspected witch and Ralph Ineson as William, the dad, gave PHENOMENAL performances. The whole thing was very well put together. Just look at it.

I can certainly understand and respect why some people might not have liked this. It seems like an acquired taste for sure. Definitely worth watching to find out though.

Well, I’m off to bed, kiddos See y’all tomorrow when I watch Gerald’s Game.
Same Bat time. Same Bat channel.

Thtay Thpooky!

You’re Next was the break out film from director Adam Wingard if memory serves, which it rarely does. Everyone I know raved about this movie when it came out. It’s yet another that’s been on my list for a while. It’s been on Netflix for how long? And I still haven’t watched it. But that’s what this challenge is all about! I’m breaking out of my cycle of watching re-runs of The Office and getting some new stuff in my life. New and spooky stuff.

I knew nothing really going into this. That’s the way I like it though. If I hear good things about a movie, especially horror movies, the less I want to know going into it. I’m a rebel. I prefer going in blind and being confused and/or surprised. For example: I thought based on the poster that this was gonna be more of a slasher than a home invasion flick. I also never looked that closely, so I thought the killer on the cover was wearing a pig mask. Imagine my surprise when it turned out that there were multiple killers with different animal masks, none of which were pigs.

I REALLY liked You’re Next. Like, a lot. Probably way more than I should have honestly. I liked it because it didn’t try to be anything that it wasn’t. The home invasion story has been done to death (Ha!). We all know the formula, but You’re Next perfected the formula and uses it to the fullest. It just has fun with it. All the deaths were easily predictable and the twist(s) I saw coming from a mile away, but it was the execution (Ha!) of these things that set it apart. One scene in particular comes to mind (watch the movie and I promise you’ll know which one). They draaaaaaag it out, but it wasn’t obnoxious. Instead I was waiting on the edge of my seat. I knew what was coming. I KNEW! But it was so well done I found myself wondering how and when it was going to happen and that created it’s own tension. It was like they knew I knew and teased me, then… BAM! They delivered. And Holy lacerated larynx do they deliver! The kills in this movie are all (except that one) amazing. Even the off screen death was well done. And guess what, Hush? After the killers revealed their faces they put their gawd damned masks back on! This is how it’s done.

Our Final Girl, Erin has earned a special spot in my heart. Played by the wonderful Sharni Vinson. Right out of the gate she handles her shit. She’s resourceful and smart and FOR ONCE we get a character who picks up a weapon every time they walk into a room. When someone gets shot with a crossbow bolt in the back she tells everyone to leave it alone and not pull it out or clip it. Thank you! Granted she later pulls a huge shard of glass out of her THIGH, of all places and ignores her own advice, but whatever! So she’s not perfect. She’s still one of my new favorite Final Girls.

#Bae

The direction is solid even if some of the performances weren’t and I really enjoyed the music score. Especially the one scene where Erin is channelling her inner Kevin McCollister and it starts playing this intense synth number in the background. It’s such a change, but it’s not out of place. It’s my favorite scene in the whole movie.

I had a couple complaints. The scene in the basement *Slight SPOILERS* where Erin is covered in blood was intense. Then she comes up stairs and is WAY less bloody. It’s a slight screw up and normally I would’ve overlooked it, but honestly I think they screwed themselves over with that. I feel like her being drenched in blood would have actually enhanced the performance that came after in the following scenes. There was also the (except that one) kill I mentioned earlier. This movie switches tones a few times and it works. But there is one scene where *Again SPOILERS* someone gets killed with a fucking blender. Yeah, that’s right, a blender. It felt super out of place and wasn’t at all satisfying. It really took away from the rest of the scene.

I finally got my gem. This is genuinely a flick I plan on watching again. I may not have been scared in the slightest, but I had a shit ton of fun with this. And as much as I saw the twist(s) from a mile away I still didn’t see the ending coming. Like, I said before, they knew we know what was happening and teased and then rewarded us for it. I loved it. I give it a healthy 8.5 out of 10 stars.

On a side note, Happy Wednesday October third! If you don’t understand why today was important then chances are you didn’t wear pink and chances are YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!

This is daunting and I’m tired, but I’ll be back tomorrow with The Witch. See you there!

I honestly considered watching this one first… Just to get it out of the fucking way. Let me just say I HATE doll movies. Not because they’re oh, so creepy and OMG their soulless eyes follow you though. In fact, quite the opposite. It’s because THEY’RE DOLLS for Christ’s sake! I get it, it’s a thing that isn’t supposed to move, so it’s scary when it does. Yes, their vacant eyes and un-moving features are unsettling, but they’re still DOLLS! They’re made of plastic and plaster and fluff and shit. You’d think demons or grumpy ghosts would possess something sturdier and more intimidating. Hell, why not mannequins? They’re also anthropomorphic, but with ambiguously blank expressions and I feel like you could actually beat someone to death with a mannequin arm. Actually… Come to think of it, why haven’t there been more horror movies with killer mannequins? Are there and I just don’t know about them? Why are porcelain dolls more marketable in this genre? Why is it that only Doctor Who has explored this?

I’m just saying, I’d be super weirded out if a doll came to life, but after the immediate shock wore off I feel like I would be okay. I’m pretty confidant I can take Chucky in a fight.  I would have grabbed that yard stick from him, snapped it in half and whooped Chucky’s 100% polyester ass over my knee.

So far everyone has said the same thing to me though. This movie is different. It’s not dolls. It’s about a ventriloquist who’s a ghost or demon and it’s totally awesome. So instead of dolls it’s dummies. Yay. Personally, if I was gonna rip off a Goosebumps book I woulda went with The Haunted Mask.

All that being said I tried to walk into this pretty open minded and objectively. It does have a few things going for it. Ryan Kwanten pays our hero, Jamie Ashen. Even though True Blood got really bad I really enjoyed him. I also loved him in Knights of Badassdom. What’s that, you say? You’ve never seen or even heard of Knights of Badassdom? Go watch it. It’s got Ryan Kwanten, Steve Zahn, Dani Pudi from community, D&D, heavy metal, demons, and Peter Dinklage on Mushrooms. If none of that appeals to you you’re living life wrong.

Anyway, back to Dead Silence. It’s also got Donnie Wahlberg in it and I have a special place in my heart for him. Or any of the New Kids on the Block for that matter. In fact, I’ll be playing their christmas album on repeat as of November 1st.

Lastly it was the follow up film by James Wan and Leigh Whannell, aka the two dudes who did the first Saw movie. The 20+ sequels were crap and I hate that this kind of ushered in the rise of the whole “torture porn” genre, but I rather enjoyed the first Saw. I was determined to give Dead Silence a fair shake.

*Spoilers* It still sucked. Like, this was astoundingly and unreasonably bad. This movie was so bad I’m pretty sure it gave me Mesothelioma and I might be entitled to some compensation.

I should’ve known that the scene in the beginning when Jamie goes to get take out predicted the entire movie.

*giggles* It says Ka Ka

Where do I even begin? It actually started off strong. I liked the intro sequence. I even liked the Sam Raimi-esque moment in the beginning with the tea pot. But I really am tired of having the whole fridged girlfriend as motivation. Even by 2007’s standards this trope was done. Especially seeing as how Jamie Ashen seems to only care about it long enough to get him to the knock off of Darkness Falls. Ryan Kwanten’s performance is meh, but it’s not just him. Everyone in this movie (except the mortician) was either bland as hell or a caricature. Donnie Wahlberg is just god awful. He plays a cop and in case you don’t know how you’re supposed to feel about him he shows up in his first scene eating a donut and sporting a stereotypically scummy mustache.

But really, why does he keep shaving all the time? Yes, that’s an electric shaver.

I genuinely kept a tally of all the times he shaved at inappropriate times. It was the funnest part of the movie for me actually.

The lighting and sets are terrible. They tried way too hard to make everything eerie and instead it came off as cartoonish. Everything is blue and unrealistically foggy ALL THE TIME. It looks like what would happen if Tim Burton directed The Exorcist.  I don’t normally jump at things, but I still appreciate jump scare moments and the jump scare moments were just boring. I get that the dummy (Who EVEN looked like Slappy from Goosebumps) was supposed to be a huge part of the creep factor, but after like the 5th time seeing him move his eyes on his own while no one saw I was just annoyed and not freaked out. Mary Shaw (the Ventriloquist was kinda spooky until the fucking CGI tongue.

Gawd, was that dumb.

As I said before the one thing I genuinely did enjoy was Henry Walker, the mortician, played by Michael Fairman. He really delivered. *Actual Spoiler* There’s a flashback to him as a small child seeing Mary Shaw and Billy the Dummy and he’s clearly terrified of that dummy, so when he comes face to face with Billy the Dummy in a cramped space you can truly feel the decades of terror he’s held on to as it comes to fruition.

Outside of that, the only thing that makes this movie interesting to watch is trying to play Where’s Waldo? with the Jigsaw puppet. Yes, he makes a cameo and here it is!

And now that I’ve ruined that for you, there’s literally no reason to see this movie. Go watch Knights Of Badassdom instead.

I give Dead Silence a whopping 1 out of 10 fridged girlfriends, I mean, stars

This challenge has not started off well for me. I know we all have different tastes and if you like either of the two movies I’ve reviewed then rock on. I didn’t dig them, but I’m sure I’ll come across some gems this month. And even though I may not have really liked the movies I’m still having a bunch of fun. Tomorrow I’m jamming out to You’re Next.

See y’all tomorrow.

Stay spooky.